Adultery, when a married person has sex with someone other than their spouse and fornication is when you engage in premarital sex. I want you to know that it takes more than self-control or will power not to engage in premarital sex. Notice that this verse of scripture does not use self-control or will power as a means of combating adultery or fornication. It acknowledges that it takes an understanding of the implications and consequences of your action not to commit adultery or fornication.

Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul (Proverbs 6:32).

My focus in this letter is not to the married committing adultery (though I pray they understand the pain and effect of adultery on their marriage) but to the fornicating singles. When it comes to premarital sex, most people in your generation can’t fathom how you can be in a relationship without engaging in premarital sex. Others ask a sincere question about how they can be sure that their future spouse can sexually satisfy them. They conclude that only premarital sex can answer their question. In today’s society, many singles believe in premarital sex, while Christian singles either struggle with it or don’t understand it. Premarital sex is basically eating your marital future before you get there. It creates false affection and clouds your judgment as it does not let you mature from the infatuation stage to the commitment stage in your marital relationship. It places your relationship in a place you are not.

Premarital sex limits you from focusing on what you need to focus on during courtship. You can’t make-out (passionate kissing) and communicate at the same time. The moment you start making-out in courtship, you stop communicating. In other words, your focus shifts from building the relationship to building emotions. Any married couple will tell you that communication is vital in marriage. It’s no wonder the Bible uses the phrase, “he lay with her” (2 Samuel 11:4) to describe premarital sex and uses the phrase, “and he knew her” (Genesis 4:1) for sex within the confines of marriage. While both phrases refer to sexual intercourse between man and woman, the latter signifies intimacy. Emphasizing that true sexual intimacy can only be experienced in marriage.

Furthermore, Paul in his writing provides an effective way to guide against premarital sex. In his first letter to the church in Corinth, he wrote:

Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s (1 Corinthian 6:18-20).

Paul acknowledges that you should flee from sexual immorality. Sometimes, the best form of defense is to avoid the situation. Don’t put yourself in a compromising position and rely on yourself control to carry you through. This begs the question, “If the Bible frowns upon premarital sex, then how can I be sure that my potential spouse can satisfy me sexually?” I will make the assumption that I am addressing a situation where the people involved have no medical issue to be concerned about sexually. If there are any medical problems or concerns, the people should seek medical help to ascertain their ability to engage in sexual intercourse in the event of marriage. Now to address the question, this sounds like a logical and sincere question. That is to say, just like most people would test drive a car before they purchase it, try on clothes and shoes to see if they fit before they make a purchase; people feel a need to justify premarital sex as a way to test how sexually satisfied they will be in marriage. A problem with this approach is that satisfaction is based on comparing each experience with the previous and making the standard their most memorable experience. Time and energy is spent looking for who can exceed or replicate that experience.

Another struggle with this approach to sexual satisfaction is that it focuses on ‘me.’ It focuses on pleasing me, which is rooted in self-gratification (selfishness). This is one of the core deceptions with this approach as it sets a false expectation about marriage. It places the responsibility on my spouse’s ability to meet my need as opposed to meeting my spouses need. Simply put, the expectation is that in order for me to marry this individual, they must be able to meet or exceed my last memorable sexual experience and if not, they must not be ‘the one’ as we are not sexually compatible. Let’s take a porn star (not that I believe in such a lifestyle) as an example. At some point in their life they were inexperienced (could not satisfy their partner), but over time they have been able to again enough negative experience to draw thousands to them.

My point is that sexual satisfaction was designed to be built in marriage. Sex was not designed to be experienced before marriage or as a tool to get married. What if you engage in premarital sex to satisfy your curiosity about sexual compatibility and the experience influences your decision to get married; and after two years you are not being satisfied anymore, what do you do? Do you get up and leave or do you stay and work things out? As long as there are no medical problems sexually, sexual satisfaction is something that can be built in marriage over time.

Now having said the above, ‘what does scripture say about this question?’ ‘Did the first man, Adam ask Eve to first sleep with him before he married her or was he worried about Eve’s ability to sexually satisfy him?’ The answer to this is ‘no.’ Since Adam and Eve did not have to go through this validation before they got married, you don’t have to go through it as well. The question of sleeping with someone to determine sexual satisfaction in other to validate marriage does not have its origin in the kingdom of God.

From my above letters, we have been able to establish from God’s Word that fornication is a sin against God that leads to destruction. As a result, premarital sex is not a way to decide whether you should or should not marry an individual. Using premarital sex as a type of marriage validation shows that you don’t really understand the marriage covenant and that you don’t trust God enough in that area.

As always, marriage is a journey and not a destination. The bible is the blue print while the Holy Spirit is your guide

Love Always



  1. Nice write up. Please in a situation where your spouse is committing adultery with another man’s wife. How can the woman ie the man’s wife handle this. Because we live in a society where it’s okay for me to flirt around and cheat on their wives, and it’s not seen as a crime.

    1. Thank you so much Gift for your comment and question. You used the phrase “Committing Adultery” indicating that it is an ongoing occurrence. Therefore the man has little to no remorse about his action, making it more difficult for his wife to deal with the situation. This is different from a man that slipped and fell, but is remorseful about his action and genuinely seeks forgiveness from his wife and repents. However based on your question, the man is not remorseful about his action and society doesn’t help. It will be helpful to have more information about the man and his marriage for example
      Did he just start committing adultery or has he always been sleeping around even when you were dating before marriage?
      What is his faith background (Born Christian, Muslim, etc).
      Did he grow up in an environment where adultery was celebrated?
      How does he feel about his wife (is he tired of the marriage)?

      With the above been said, here is my general advice.
      1. It’s not because of what you did or didn’t do as a woman, committing adultery repeatedly is a function of the mind.Its a mindset. Settle this in your mind.
      2. Create an awareness in the home where the man gets a better understanding of the consequences his actions
      3. Continue to be a loving and supportive wife however be firm addressing the issue of adultery at hand
      4. Pray by asking God for specific wisdom on how address the issue
      5. Seek professional counseling either together or individually if possible.
      6. Seek the counsel of trusted confident that your husband respect.

      I pray that God will perfect your home and marriage.

      God Bless

  2. Really eye-opening post on understanding the intent of not fornicating prior to Marriage. Our society tells us instant gratification should always be placed first. This is an excellent explanation to why the alternative to premarital sex should be considered.

  3. Nice write up toyo I must say! But am a bit confused at the Adam and Eve’s marriage story. My bible told me God made Eve cos he felt Adam was alone remember? Now there were no other beings existing except for Adam and then Eve who came after a long term of lonliness. Now that was just one man and one woman story! We are in a world were 2 different sexes are in multiple abundance, so could you use a comparative bible story for illustration? Thanks for your understanding

    1. Thank you for your comment Rejy. I can relate to your question. I will address it from a few perspective.
      • There is no better story in my opinion than the story of Adam and Eve to illustrate this topic because it models God’s original plan before man sinned. With that being said, we can talk about Joseph and Potiphar’s, wife. You know the story. Joseph remembered his relationship with God when Potiphar’s wife took a pass at him. The bible with regards to Joseph’s response puts it this way in Gen 39:9 “How then could I do this great evil and sin against God?” I mean no one would have known? This was a time where there were tons and tons of women around. However what restrained Joseph was his relationship with God.
      • Also you see, with regards to sex outside of marriage, the bible usually uses the phrase “…and he Lay with her” (Gen 39:7, 2 Sam 11:4, Gen 19:33). However when the bible talks about sex in marriage, the bible usually uses the phrase “…and he knew his wife or and he made love..” differentiating the context in which the act is performed.
      • You see the reason you don’t engage in premarital sex is not because you don’t have blood running through your veins neither is it because you have self-control or there is no distraction. The reason you don’t engage in premarital sex is because you fear and you understand what’s at stake. Scripture puts it this way “Whoever commits adultery with a woman lacks understanding; He who does so destroys his own soul.” – Proverbs 6:32
      Seek God presence and watch Him choke your taste bud in this area………….
      Here is an additional recourse in this area.

      God Bless

  4. I am born again ,I love God a lot… Before I went into my relationship I told him I don’t want to indulge in premarital sex or anything about it, he agreed, we have been in a relationship for about 7months,he doesn’t stay in the same town with me, so whenever he comes I have to go to a hotel to see him, within this 7months we have indulged in acts that break me spiritually, we don’t have sex but we kiss and all that, sincerely everytime I feel terrible and so guilty, I have talked and talked to him about it, he doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of the scar it causes, right now I’m even so confused, he is saying we should work on it, but I already feel disconnected from the relationship.. I am so worried, are there still godly mature men who understand that these acts should not be part of a relationship ? Do I just go ahead and keep trying until we get married even though I’m beginning to feel awkward? Do real godly relationship still exist or do they just exist in my head? What do I do?

    1. Hi,
      I was once in this kind of relationship, so I understand the pain you are going through: this is not how a godly relationship works. When I found God’s person for me, it was easier to be faithful. I am a man, and had a discussion with my fiancée before we began courtship. We also lived miles apart (a five hour journey). We had no sexual or physical intimacy until wedding day (apart from holding hands when crossing the street and a brief hug in front of a police station). When I visited (to see her pastor), I stayed at a hotel and made sure she didn’t come in. We love each other and we both had sexual urges, but we understood the great need of building our relationship on the right Foundation. We got married after 14 months of Courtship, and it is always pleasant to remember that we pleased God. I still regret my first relationship, but at least I was able to leverage on the lessons learnt. Learn from this relationship, it may not be your rest. Seek God’s will, he will value your spirit, soul and body.
      Key points:
      1. Don’t remain chaste because of fear, remain chaste because you want to please God.
      2.Never visit a guy alone; go with a spirit-filled friend.
      3. Never sleep over.
      4. Never indulge in sexualized conversation
      5. No relationship (courtship) is a do or die affair. Use your liberty and walk away when you start seeing the wolf in the sheep.

      1. In Reply to Chrysolyte.

        Thank you so much for your response Witness. They are very valid points.

        I will address your questions Chrysolyte specifically,
        1.I am so worried, are there still godly mature men who understand that these acts should not be part of a relationship? Absolutely. There are many christian men who have been able to over come this struggles and will be excited to be in a relationship with you.

        2.Do I just go ahead and keep trying until we get married even though I’m beginning to feel awkward? My recommendation is that you don’t. You have to be able to voice out this concerns and work through this issues. You see today it is about not be able to voice your concern about sexual issues, when you get married nothing will change.

        3.Do real godly relationship still exist or do they just exist in my head? There are many godly relationships that exist today and many of the time we are a product of our environment. If you don’t see godly relationship around then change your environment.

        4.What do I do? If your goal is to be more like Christ by been a disciple of Christ, then you should constantly evaluate your actions with the word of God and try to ensure that you align to God words to the best of your ability.
        I will leave you with this. What role do you want God to play in your life? Are you actions validating the role you want God to play in your life daily.

        God bless


  5. Good Afternoon, Amazing write-up. I stumbled on your blog from the post on BellaNaija.

    I am all for Sexual purity and keeping the marriage bed undefiled , I am strongly against premarital sex. But I have a few concerns that have weighed heavily on my mind for a bit now. With reference to the issue of “testing before marriage”

    I have heard one too many stories of Christian sisters who lived their lives ‘right’ and devoted to God end up with men who are impotent or the worst case scenario Gay. The problem for me is that these men knew their health condition/sexual orientation and decided not to disclose these to their Partners.

    My question now is how do we prevent this from repeating itself because I won’t lie to you, I am afraid. Am i to believe that these sisters didn’t pray enough or trust God enough before getting into these relationships? I just can’t wrap my head around it.

    1. Thank you for reaching out Abi with your question. Truly appreciate you sharing a concern that weighs heavy on your heart.
      With regards to your question, I will address it from 3 perspectives and trust that you receive insight with regards to premarital sex.
      The first is from the Spiritual context. God clearly expresses His view on premarital sex (fornication) on numerous occasions throughout scripture.
      “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God” 1 Corinthians 6:9
      If God is clear about this then the goal should be to align to His word and not try to fine reasons to disobey. God will not tell us to do something He knows we don’t have the capacity to do.
      The Second perspective is this. What happens if you test before marriage and everything seems fine. Only to get married and the issues you mentioned (being gay or medical condition arise that causes impotency etc.) shows up. Your underlining assumption is that testing validates, however this is far from the truth because what you test today is subject to change tomorrow. You testing today does not mean that situation may not change.
      The third perspective is this. You expressing “I am afraid” gives me a picture of what the underlying issue is. The underlying issues is “Fear”. Fear is not a way God leads his children. Fear creeps into a situation because people don’t know what the outcome of the situation will be. I have found out that people(Christians) are often afraid because they are not convinced or don’t know what the word of God says about a situation.
      Abi, I don’t know what happened to these Christian sisters you mentioned. I don’t know if there where warning signs they decided to overlook before they got married. However, I do know that God does not contradict His word and as such testing before marriage is not a way to validate if someone is right for you.
      Abi the reason you don’t fornicate is because you fear God.
      My recommendation for you is to deal with the root cause “Fear”. Today the fear is trying to drive you to test before marriage. Tomorrow, it can be test outside of marriage. Next tomorrow it can be lying or manipulating your husband. My point is deal with the issue of fear by spending time building your confidence in God’s words. When faith in God’s word is absent, fear is present.

  6. Great write-up and responses. This is truly a great perspective. Living out of love makes abstinence much easier than living out of fear.

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